Lóre

To change from haiku and tanka, here is a cinquain following the Adelaide Crapsey form that has a syllabic pattern of 2/4/6/8/2 or a syllabic stress pattern of 1/2/3/4/1. A. Crapsey gave titles to her cinquains that could form part of a 6th line. I tried the same here:

LÓRE
Alqua
celumesse
ara ráva lutta
yat mi quessaron sére ve
fána

A swan
on the flow
beside the bank floats
neck within feathers' peace like
a cloud

and here is the French version (classic syllabic count)I wrote yesterday after having watched a beautiful swan floating down the Rhône. :

RÊVE
Sur l'onde
près du rivage,
le cou dans son plumage,
le compagnon d'Apollon glisse,
blanc lys

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Submitted by oreramar on Sat, 05/07/2011 - 09:10
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Comments

1

Aran:

Kíra
Fána kirya
Métima hrestallo.
Man kenuva i métima
Óre?

It works :-), although the end feels a bit abrupt. I'd prefer at least 4 syllables in the last line, so that it may express an idea in itself and stick as an impression.

07/11/2011 - 10:02
2

oreramar:

That is a nice one. Let's take it for Omentielva also :)
I have written three for the occasion and experimented with other patterns and find it a bit restrictive. However, I would not like to exceed the syllable count of the tanka.
Since the Crapsey cinquain is not only based on syllable count but also on stress pattern, this could be another possibility for Quenya.
It was my intention to propose a discussion on this on the poetry evening.

By the way, what is the title of your cinquain?

07/11/2011 - 21:42
3

Aran:

Btw, most basic nouns in Japanese are di- or trisyllabic, as in Quenya. With five syllables per line you can fit in two words or two short words and a particle (an article or suffix in Quenya). So I think that five syllables or two stresses would be better to work with instead of four syllables. Apart from that, odd numbers are considered lucky in Japan.

>By the way, what is the title of your cinquain?

Mhm, I came up with 'Markirya', I wonder if it fits? :-)

07/12/2011 - 10:50